It's great to find candor on the hustings.
The Marines want a few good men and we want a few good political candidates. That's why we sent search teams across America. Here are a few we found:
1. Walt Kenbuckle: Of the 8,648,753 candidates running for public office this year, Walt is the only one in favor of government waste. His opponent is Marjorie (``Chargin' Marge') Bascom.She says he's just pretending to support government waste in order to call attention to himself and get name recognition. Chargin' Marge charges that if Walt is elected - he's running for Town Council in Bold Shoulders, Me. - he ``will start denouncing government waste just like every other political hack in America, the rat.'
``I am delighted Marge mentioned rats,' Walt said in a major waste-policy address, ``because it reminds me that the holes made by our Bold Shoulders rats are ridiculously small. If elected I will fight to get contractors the millions needed to enlarge those holes.
``Once the holes are magnificently enlarged - as well as air-conditioned, fully computerized and equipped with the most up-to-date fax capability - government wastrels will be able to do their job by pouring money down the rat holes of Bold Shoulders, instead of being forced overseas to pour it down the rat holes of the world.'
2. Max Mallow: ``More new taxes!' is Max's campaign slogan. The only candidate for any office anywhere not crying ``No new taxes,' Max has won the Adlai Stevenson Award, which is given only in election years so weird they produce a candidate willing, in Stevenson's phrase, to ``talk sense to the American people.'
Since the award historically signals inevitable defeat for the recipient, advisers urged Max to save himself by attacking media elitists on ground that they obtusely refused to report that his saying ``More new taxes' was simply a shorthand way of saying, ``More new taxes would be catastrophic.'
Instead he issued a statement saying, ``It's criminal to keep encouraging the public's delusion that the wealthiest country in history can't afford to stop itself from becoming a slum down by the junkyard.'
Max is running for the office of Village Alderman in the liberal, high-income community of Generosity Falls, Conn. His opponent, Buford Bankum, has not risked losing the liberal, guilt-ridden vote by attacking Max's more-taxes platform. He doesn't need to; he won a commanding lead in the polls with a major political-correctness address in which he accused Max of speaking disrespectfully of slums.
3. Kip Flinders: Health care is Kip's big issue. She is running for Congress, and she's against it - health care for Congress, that is. She pledges to work for a health-care program that subjects Congress to the same kind of health care now endured by the rest of the population.
Kip believes a Congress forced to share the same medical destiny as the rest of America will soon do something about health care.
Kip promises even more: She will press Congress to submit to the same pension system as the average American worker.