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The Joke's On You for 110714

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Send your entries to jokesonyou@news-record.com by noon Wednesday, 111214

Welcome to the News & Record’s “Jokes on You” page. Here is this week’s cartoon for your caption consideration, and last week’s cartoon and entries for you amusement (see below). Feel free to post comments and ask questions.

Sweet! You sent in some tasty captions this week.

(Seriously, a lot of good captions – many deserving ones didn’t make the final cut.)

Last week’s cartoon was – the candy and psychiatrist.

This week’s cartoon - the one you’ll be writing captions for – is the Alphabet letters.

LAST WEEK’S WINNER

“Please, Doctor, tell me I’m not nutty!”

Judy MacDowall, Greensboro

RUNNERS-UP

“I make everyone else  happy. What about me?

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

“I had a truffled childhood.”

Scott Tredwell, Advance

“My relatives are a bunch of Goobers.”

Bill Wallace, High Point

“I finally came out of the wrapper.“

Pat Foley, Homer Glen, Ill.

“Last night, my wife called out, ‘Oh Henry!’ Trouble is, my name is Stan.”

David Core, Greensboro

“I can feel them unwrapping me with their eyes!”

Tim Tribbett

“I have nightmares of traveling in a plastic pumpkin.”

Henry Hoover, Burlington

JUNIOR WINNER

“My archenemy is caramel.”

Torian, Gillespie Park 

THE JUDGES ALSO LIKED …

“Well, Doc, sometimes I feel like a nut, sometimes I don’t.”

Scott Tredwell, Advance

“I'm not nuts, I'm just plain.”

Tom Conally, Gibsonville

"I have been told I am dark and bitter.  I'm beginning to think I was just made that way"

Paul Armeniox, Greensboro

“Where to begin? Well… I come from a pretty nutty family.”

Bob Langlais, Kernersville

"I feel like a Hershey's trapped in a Mr. Goodbar wrapper."

Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"I have a dark side."

Philippe Wiener, Greensboro

-------------------------------

BEST INSIDE JOKE

Don't you EVER speak to people?

Ken Sheldon, Elon

Is that an orange spaceship in the background ?

Don’t tell Rickard I’m in town

Don’t tell Tim we’re meeting like this

Have you noticed your couch is kinda floating around ?

Where’s your door ? Tim always has a door

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

"...and then they stuck that giant hypodermic needle in me!"

"Of course I have an identity crisis!  I mean, I have to have the word, 'chocolate,' written on me just so people know what I am!"

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point.

BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE

"Oscar Wilde said he could resist everything but temptation, and everyone's wild about me."

"The problem?  Ogden Nash would say that 'The cacao is of a tasty ilk, one part "Ooooh" and one part milk.'"

"First they came for the M&Ms, and I said nothing...."

"I heard that when someone ODs on chocolate, an angel slips into a diabetic coma."

Scott Tredwell, Advance

"Remember the candy bar in the swimming pool in 'Caddyshack?'  That was me!"

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

BEST/WORST PUN

"It's difficult to eschew those who choose to chew due to the blues."

"Why do I obsess about 'Leaves of Grass'?  Because I'm a Whitman sampler."

Scott Tredwell, Advance

"Why do I keep hurting myself?  Everyone knows I'm anti-oxidant."

Scott Tredwell, Advance

BEST POEMS

Said the chocolate bar to Dr. Butts,

"What I'm feeling has got to take guts.

     Since I'm Hershey's by name

     Mr. Goodbar's my fame,

It is good that folks think that I'm nuts."

Ken Sheldon, Elon

SCHOOL/JR. ENTRIES (elementary / middle school)

Gillespie Park Junior entries, submitted by Louise Monroe

Demea: Don't take my sugar away.

Jordan: Are you candy, too?

De'Angelo: I hate the convenience store.

Torian: My arch enemy is caramel.

Mya: I'm having problems because people love chocolate..and, no, wait a minute! Are you  going to eat me?

Travon: So, they can do whatever they like because  I'm not active.

-----------

THE REST

I have this dream where I'm out in public unwrapped!

Tim Tribbett

Lately I've been only semi-sweet.

Tim Tribbett

Something's been really eating at me lately.

Tim Tribbett

My mother looks delicious. Do I have the "Eatipus complex"?

Tim Tribbett

1.  "My deepest fear?  That some study will find that chocolate helps you lose weight."

2.  "I had a truffled childhood."

3.  "My identity crisis stems from being a guy in a Hershey body."

4.  "You'd have conscience pangs too if you were everyone's guilty pleasure."

5.  "I may have the heartbreak of satyriasis.  Or maybe I'm just a mood swinger."

6.  "God complex?  No, but divine intervention, probably."

7.  "You'd have delusions of grandeur too if everyone who saw you whispered 'Oh, God!'"

8.  "My family grew up in bars and we seem to attract chocoholics."

9.  "It's difficult to eschew those who choose to chew due to the blues."

10.  "Oscar Wilde said he could resist everything but temptation, and everyone's wild about me."

11.  "Why do I obsess about 'Leaves of Grass'?  Because I'm a Whitman sampler."

12.  "Everyone who sees me says 'Oh, God...Oh, God.'  I don't think I'm God.  Do I sound like Morgan Freeman?"

13.  "Why do I keep hurting myself?  Everyone knows I'm anti-oxidant."

Scott Tredwell, Advance

1.  "Well, Doc, sometimes I feel like a nut, sometimes I don't."

2.  "Too many folks have the gumption to think life IS a box of chocolates."

3.  "Do I feel objectified?  Didn't you see your receptionist lick me on my way in?"

4.  "The problem?  Ogden Nash would say that 'The cacao is of a tasty ilk, one part "Ooooh" and one part milk.'"

5.  "Paranoid?  I don't think...say, did you just roll your chair closer to me?"

Scott Tredwell, Advance

1.  "I feel that Halloween is to me as Thanksgiving is to a turkey."

2.  "I understand I'm protected by doctor-patient confidentiality...but why are you drooling?"

3.  "First they came for the M&Ms, and I said nothing...."

4.  "Trick-or-treaters...Hannibal Lecter...what's the difference?"

5.  "So, you think hiding under a cloak of peanut butter on the 31st would be self-defeating?"

Scott Tredwell, Advance

Just wait till tomorrow, you will be on the healthy list again.

Tom Conally, Gibsonville

I'm not nuts, I'm just plain.

Tom Conally, Gibsonville

Sometimes I think I'm an Almond Joy, talk about nuts.

It started out as a candy crush, but after she left me, I'm still in love with her.

How can I be nuts if I'm just plain?

David Core, Greensboro

I'm into S&M&M.

Tim Tribbett

"I feel like I'm going to go to pieces."

Karol Neufeld, Greensboro

Nobody likes me. Is it because I'm baking chocolate?

People treat me like I'm from Mars!

Ken Sheldon, Elon

"I'm cuckoo for cocoa puffs."

Philippe Wiener, Greensboro

"When I see Hershey's with almonds, I go a little nuts."

Philippe Wiener, Greensboro

"My Snickers mate says I'm not nuts enough".

Ray Sullivan

"Sometimes I feel like a nut, sometimes I don't."

Bob Beitzel, Greensboro

"Sometimes you feel like a nut.  Sometimes you don't."

Philippe Wiener, Greensboro

" You know Doc.... Sometimes I feel like a nut,  sometimes I don't. "

Chris Burton, Greensboro

It isn't so much the touching, it's when people put me in their mouth that makes me feel violated.

Melts in your mouth, not in your hands isn't entirely true.  

Steve Nance, Gibsonville

"The 'Sugar Cartel' is trying to bring me down."

Luther Jackson, Stoneville

1. "and they labeled me with nuts"

2. I guess it all started as a small coco seed.

3. And someone yelled "hey you got chocolate in my peanut butter"!!

4. I said "yeah I went to the candy bar so what".

5. And I said " who are you calling milk chocolate"?

Tony Bean, Danbury

"Sometimes I feel like a nut, sometimes I don't."

Bob Klippstein, Greensboro

But being loved can mean nibbled or devoured.

Old folks just want to gum me.  Oh, sorry, no offense.

Joan Lux, Greensboro

"Please, Doctor, tell me I'm not nutty!"

Judy MacDowall, Greensboro

I have this attraction to peanut butter. Is this odd, Dr. Reese?

I'm not crazy - it's the Payday that's nuts!

Ken Sheldon, Elon

 I feel like I need to head in a new direction, Dr. Hershey!

Mike Perry, Eden

I have these strange dreams- they always involve these two guys named Mantle and Maris!

Mike Perry, Eden

"I have been told I am dark and bitter.  I'm beginning to think  I was just made that way"

Paul Armeniox, Greensboro

I can't stomach people anymore.

I'm a travel agent, Doc. I send people on guilt trips.

People are always putting me down.

I can't look people straight in the mouth.

Pat Foley, Homer Glen, Il.

People love me to death.

Thanks for seeing me on your lunch break.

If I'm not good for people, why do they like me so much?

I finally came out of the wrapper.

Pat Foley, Homer Glen, Il.

Sometimes I feel like a nut.

I feel like I’m sitting on the sun and melting.

Can we wrap things up?

I spent 3 years in a vending machine behind trail mix.

At campfires, people always try to set-up me up with graham crackers and marshmallows.

My only chance at survival is to placed in a hotel room fridge at $8.oo.

My kids- Fun and Snack Size aren’t growing.

In fact I do come from Mars.

Kurt Gubitz, Chicago

I made my Great Escape from Hendley “The Scrounger”.

TV commercials never hire real chocolate for their ads.

His name was Hershey. He never kissed me.

Hershey and I kissed and we both melted.

Kurt Gubitz, Chicago

My sister walks around like she’s Lady Godiva.

Born in Liberia, but consider myself Swiss.

Satisfied?  Then stop snickering!

Heard the one about the guy who walks into a $100,000 bar?

The creep says to me, “You look like a 100 Grand.”

We never nestle anymore.

Kurt Gubitz, Chicago

Doctor, please tell me I’m not Bonkers.

I deserve the respect of being consumed with a knife and fork on a plate!

Kurt Gubitz, Chicago

“Not to worry, Mr. C., remember this is the only planet that has chocolate!”

Betsey Irwin, Colfax

It was like the rapture last Friday.  Every friend I had just disappeared in one night!

Mike Perry, Eden

I was a chunky kid.

Tim Tribbett

I think women want me just for my body.

Tim Tribbett

I had a dream where I was covered in nougat.

Tim Tribbett

My parents were really nutty.

Tim Tribbett

1.  "There's this guy - Wonka - who gives me the willies."

2.  "I like euphoria as much as the next guy - why do I never get a chocolate high?"

3.  "'Twas like Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs...I found my wife amidst a cluster of Hershey's Kisses."

Scott Tredwell, Advance

"Doc, everyone seems to have a love/hate relationship with me."

Michelle Simaan, Greensboro

"Everyone wants a piece of me."

Coventry Kessler

"I just keep getting thinner."

Hugo Ruberg, Greensboro

Then Peanut ,Butter and I went to this at mixer at Reese Cups  house

Mike Roberts, Greensboro

Where to begin? Well… I come from a pretty nutty family.

Bob Langlais, Kernersville

My first Kiss was so good, I almost melted!

Bob Langlais, Kernersville

I grew up on a cocoa farm. I was bite size back then.

Bob Langlais, Kernersville

When I was young, my friends used to tease me because I was bite-size.

Bob Langlais, Kernersville

"I heard that when someone ODs on chocolate, an angel slips into a diabetic coma."

Scott Tredwell, Advance

"I'm a cocoa nut."

"I'm between a dessert and a snack place, Doc."

"I only came here to chew the fat."

"I had another melt down."

"What's wrong with me, Doc, and don't sugarcoat it."

Pat Foley, Homer Glen, Il.

My life is bitter sweet.

Tim Tribbett

"I have a dark side."

Philippe Wiener, Greensboro

"Sometimes I feel like a nut, sometimes I don't."

Keith Medlin, Roanoke Rapids

Everybody loves me!

I have some dark secrets.

I am really sweet inside – why do some people avoid me?

I feel very lonely after Halloween

Oh! I’ve got some white friends too.

Please don’t call me sweetie!

Keith Peddie, Greensboro

So do you think being unwrapped and not eaten has led you to this depression?

Sometimes people prefer Reeses.

Peggy Koppel, Greensboro

"Why do you feel your life is dark?"

John Koppel, Greensboro

"Possibly not enough kids came by."

"But dark is now popular."

John Koppel, Greensboro

I keep having this dream.  I'm on a Graham cracker and a hot marshmallow is sitting on me.

Robbie Bourget & Marcia Minsky

Co-Chairs, Loscon 42 - November 27-29, 2015, Los Angeles Airport Marriott.

Ghosts of Honor: Douglas Adams & Cal Cotton. Artist Guest of Honor: David B. Mattingly

Fan Guest of Honor: Bobbi Armbruster. Writer Guest of Honor: Jim C. Hines

Last night my wife called out Oh Henry!, trouble is my name is Stan.

I'm so obsessed that I named my kids Baby Ruth, Heath, and Clark.

Sometimes I feel like a nut, and sometimes I don't.

I see you snickering at me.

You won't believe what I'll do when I bite into a York Peppermint Patty.

Why can't I get just one kiss?

Where can I find my Mr. Goodbar?

I can go from a 100 Grand to a Zero bar in the drop of a hat.

I keep having thoughts of going over to the dark side.

David Core, Greensboro

Of course I'm always bitter! I'm baking chocolate!

Don't you EVER speak to people?

Ken Sheldon, Elon

“My parents told me I cause acne in kids”

Steve Bernstein, Greensboro

I was engaged to "Miss Baby Ruth" but she ran off with "Mr, Goodbar:.

I have no future, here today gone tomorrow.

I hate Summer time.

The world is full  of

chock late loving Cannibals.

I am always on the run from people wanting to eat me.

Don Rankin, Greensboro

I made sweet love to a marsh mellow and a graham cracker. I want me S'more!

Tim Tribbett

I'm trying not to become bitter.

Tim Tribbett

It hurts when they call me "junk food".

Tim Tribbett

Something's been eating me lately.

Tim Tribbett

I can feel them unwrapping me with their eyes!

Tim Tribbett

Sometimes a Twizzler is just a Twizzler. Right?

Tim Tribbett

"I'm I Mounds..... or Almond Joy"..?

Jonathan Sparrow, Greensboro

"I think I'm suffering from low self-esteem because I'm only semi-sweet."

Larry Parrish, Eden

"You know the story line, Doc;  none of the kids picked me this Halloween, yada, yada, yada....."

Larry Parrish, Eden

"Well, I'm in love with this peanut butter bar but my family doesn't think we could ever have a future together.  What do YOU think, Dr. Reese?"

Larry Parrish,  Eden

“My name is Henry, and I’m a chocoholic.”

“Hey, doc, am I really a chocoholic?”

“I feel great … bar none.”

“The candy company keeps makes me feel smaller.”

“I feel like I’m shrinking every year.”

“You’re a shrink. Am I shrinking in size?”

Jim Ertner, Greensboro

"I've suffered from anxiety since I was fun-sized."

"My wife binge eats when she's upset; imagine my fear."

"I feel like I'm nuts, but I'm a Mounds."

"I feel like a Mr. Goodbar trapped in a Hershey's body."

Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

"Life has always been bittersweet."

"I feel like a Hershey's trapped in a Mr. Goodbar wrapper."

"This summer, I almost had a meltdown."

"Our problems began when my wife went on a diet."

Brandon Breeze, Greensboro

Got milk ?

I am shrinking, but I’m still the same price

What you Sees is what you get

If I knew I would tell you

Now they’re telling me I’m medicine

I’m just being used

I make everyone else happy. What about me ?

How would you feel if they took a bite outta you ?

I’m just in this plain brown wrapper

Almond ? Joy !

It all started in the movie theater

I just passed the bar

He just wouldn’t give me Kisses !

I’m still good ! Why do I need an expiration date ?

Then I said men are from Mars

My last address ? Hershey, Pennsylvania

But I didn’t mean to melt in their hands

Doc, I think I’m a little nutty

He left me for Peter Pan

It was fine until he met Godiva

I’ve been kept in the dark

Is that your stomach growling ?

Is that an orange spaceship in the background ?

Don’t tell Rickard I’m in town

I can’t take the heat anymore

I used to be top shelf

Now they’re putting me in cereals

Don’t tell Tim we’re meeting like this

Don’t you have something better to do ?

Have you noticed your couch is kinda floating around ?

Where’s your door ? Tim always has a door

I don’t like Halloween any more

I’m always trying to please everyone else

Is this some kind of joke ?

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

"I've been stalking peanut butter."

Phil Valla, Greensboro

#1: "Of course I have an identity crisis!  I mean, I have to have the word, 'chocolate,' written on me just so people know what I am!"

#2: "Yes, I'm sad!  The ladies in the M & M's commercials weren't interested in me!"

#3: "Where is Bob Newhart when you need him?"

#4: "OK.  Seriously?  Do we have to do this right now?  I'm trying to take a nap!"

#5: "So who do you think you are?  Sigmund Freud?"

#6: "Yes, I'm suffering through the post-Halloween blues!"

#7: "Remember the candy bar in the swimming pool in 'Caddyshack?'  That was me!"

#8: "No matter how hard I try, I just can't seem to re-adjust to Standard Time!"

#9: "If you think I'm bad, just wait until the strawberry and the vanilla bars get here!"

#10: "If I'm the one who's talking, then who's really the crazy one here?"

#11: "Why would I have any problems?  I'm a candy bar for crying out loud!"

#12: "After appearing in last Sunday's 'Dennis the Menace,' I need psychiatric help!"

#14: "I'm a Yankee transplant from Hershey, Pennsylvania!"

#15: "Yes, I have an ego problem.  I'm only the consolation prize for all of the Democratic candidates!"

#16: "...and then they stuck that giant hypodermic needle in me!"

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point.

Hello Tim.

I have nightmares of traveling in a plastic pumpkin.

2. I meltdown so easily.

3. I'm scared to death of being eaten alive.

3. I wish i was vanilla.

4. I'm having an affair with peanut butter.

5. Nuts, caramel, raisins. I just don't know what's inside me anymore.

Laugh on.

Henry Hoover.  Burlington

1.  I get very depressed after Halloween.

2.  I melt everywhere I go but my friends only melt in your mouth not in your hand.

Dick Ellis, Pleasant Garden

I spend too much time at the Kit-Kat Club.

I’m so clumsy, I have Butterfingers.

The worst part is being undressed by strangers.

Sometimes I dress up like one of the Three Musketeers.

I don’t want to end up in a vending machine.

My family was wiped out at Halloween.

As a teenager, I was really chunky.

My relatives are a bunch of Goobers.

Bill Wallace, High Point

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