jou_bug-shrink_bird-office_072420

Send your entries to jokesonyou@greensboro.com by noon Wednesday, July 29

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Welcome to the News & Record’s “Jokes on You” page. Here is this week’s cartoon for your caption consideration, and last week’s cartoon and entries for you amusement (see below). Feel free to post comments and ask questions.

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And as always, please, no wagering.

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Please remember to put your name on your entry! (If you’re a junior --- age 13 and under --- also remember to include your school or age.)

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While I continue to work from home, I won’t be in the office to accept mail-in entries. I’m afraid it’s electronic submissions only for now until further notice. I apologize for the inconvenience.

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Last week’s cartoon was the bird office. Next week’s cartoon - the one you’ll be writing captions for is – The bug shrink.

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WINNER

“Don’t leave your crackers in the break room.”

Reilly McGuire, Greensboro

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RUNNERS-UP

“Watch what you say, he repeats everything!”

Tony Bean, Danbury

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“Be careful what you say around that guy.”

Tim Tribbett

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“He’s the new VP of communications.”

Bill Wallace

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“Tell her she has the job but not to repeat it to anyone.”

Janice Y. Smith, Greensboro

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“The new guy doesn’t know about Casual Friday!”

Paul McGuire, Greensboro

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“You ought to see him at parties. He does great impressions!”

Mike Perry, Eden

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“The entire marketing team just flew South for the winter.”

David Core, Greensboro

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“When did the dress code change?”

Phil Valla, Greensboro

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“Watch where you step.”

Joey Pellino

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HONORABLE MENTIONS (Also getting votes from our judges)

“I thought this was casual Friday!”

Joey Pellino

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“Somebody stole my cracker from the break room.”

Tim Tribbett

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“He hasn’t seen a copy of the dress code yet.””

Martha Eakes, Greensboro

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“It had to be you.  I didn’t tell anyone else!”

Mike Perry, Eden

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“I hear she takes dictation pretty well!”

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

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TIM’S PICK(S) My picks don’t necessarily mean what should have won, or gotten a runner-up, it’s just

“Well he is rather strange.  Just last week,  he text messaged me ‘Hello!’ close to a hundred times!”

Mike Perry, Eden

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BEAT THE CARTOONIST

Didn’t anybody tell him it was casual Friday

He is the worst gossip in the office! Just repeats everything he hears!

I swear, having a cubicle next to him is driving me crazy! He talks constantly!

Let me guess, for lunch, Polly brought another cracker.

Well SOMEONE is repeating office gossip! If it isn’t you, then who is it?

The boss is looking into getting newspaper carpeting for us.

Well, someone’s had their feathers done!

I have trouble talking to her, she’s so pretty!

Come meet the new hire. From South America, I think.

Him? He’s our new spokesman.

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THE REST

"We can't. He's got an ADA accommodation."

Rev. Beth M. Woodard, High Point

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1.  He thinks he's top of the pecking order.

2.  He hasn't seen a copy of the dress code yet.

3. He thinks he's in the top seed around here.

4.  He obviously dipped into his nest egg for those duds.

5.  He ruffles my feathers.

Martha Eakes, Greensboro

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Do you have any crackers in your pocket we could offer him?

Teresa Bean, Greensboro

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1. Watch what you say he repeats everything!

2. Is it Pirate week?

3. Casual Fridays are getting out of hand

4. I heard he was crackers!

5. He looks like he is involved in some fowl play!

6. He certainly brightens the office!

7. Don’t call her Polly!

8.I heard you use to be in Pollytics!

9. Beat he does well on the Pollygraph!

Tony Bean, Danbury

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"Could you please tell Bob that 'Casual Parrot Day' is only on Fridays."

Ryan Barwick, Greensboro

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"Be careful what you say - he repeats everything."

"He doesn't want a salary, just a cracker."

"He's definitely of a different feather!"

"His references include Long John Silver."

"How can we compete against that?"

"He squawks about everything."

"You hired him, you go get the crackers."

"I said to hire someone technical, not Technicolor!"

"He'd be great if our target audience was pirates."

"Don't say 'Good Morning', say 'Yo-ho-ho!'."

"He's a big Jimmy Bufffet fan."

"He's the new VP of communications."

"Just make sure he's not around during mating season."

"So which do you think it is - Pauly or Polly?"

Bill Wallace

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"Go ahead and fire him. Don't chicken out!"

Larry Kirwan, Greensboro

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“Alright, already! Tell Polly that the crackers are in back order!”

Bob Norfleet, Greensboro

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 “Why is he so dressed up when we have nowhere to go?”

 Tom Sloan

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“Hey, Lanny, what does ‘AARHH’ mean?”

Bob Norfleet, Greensboro

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“I heard he was a cereal killer”

Kemp Dalton

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 “Be careful what you say around that guy.”

Tim Tribbett

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 “This conversation may be recorded for training purposes.”

Tim Tribbett

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For the last time, Audubon is a conservation society, and Autobahn is a German highway.

Have you seen Jerry, I think he flew the coop?

How do we relieve ourselves if they keep removing Confederate statues?

Careful around the new guy, he repeats everything you say.

David Core, Greensboro

 Fowl language is not permitted in the workplace.

A duck walks into a store and says put this on my bill. C'mon that's funny.

What does "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" even mean?

David Core, Greensboro

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6 feet sir

Peter Miller

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The entire marketing team just flew South for the winter.

Larry just gave the boss the bird.

The only thing that doesn't fly around here is time.

David Core, Greensboro

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"Just humor him for now and say 'Ahoy, matey!' right back."

"He last worked in a bar, so his language is a little rough."

"I'm sure he meant it as a compliment when he called you paleface."

"The company name-change to Bright Birds has eliminated your position."

"The company was bought-out by an interior decorator."

"See if he'll accept a Dove bar since we're out of crackers."

Bill Wallace

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I need a career where I can spread my wings and fly.

Today's my last day, so I guess it's bye, bye birdie.

Sure, the Eagles were great, but I never got into A Flock of Seagulls.

On the bright side, our software problem opens a new can of worms.

Sorry I've been so uptight, I just left the nest.

This job is for the, well you know, us.

I can't tell if the new guy is a bird of paradise or prey.

David Core, Greensboro

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Did you see the crack in the office door this morning?  Well, my guess is it was the new guy!

Yeah,  saw the new guy.  Rather flamboyant don't you think?

I'll say one thing for the new guy- he's no quack!

I guess he just didn't get the memo about casual Friday!

We all have differences,  that's why there's affirmative action!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Don't say anything you don't want repeated!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Since the operation, he just hasn't been himself!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Yeah, he was on that talk show last week,  But it was embarrassing-  he kept repeating himself!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I saw sing at the club last week, and you'd be  surprised!  He's a real thongbird!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Him?  Oh he's only here for a couple of days.  He's from the branch office!

Mike Perry, Eden

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“Did you get a bill?”

Alex Potter, Greensboro

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I don't know.  I'm not much of a judge, but I'm thinking he'll just fly away first chance he gets!

Mike Perry, Eden

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1. "Call Dolly, and tell her I found her 'coat of many colors.' "

2. "So, this is what they meant by diversity in the workplace?"

Walt Hayes, High Point

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I bet this guy is a hoot on the 4th of July!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Really?  He said that?  Oh, I have to send it out.  I'm all atwitter about it!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I hear him "hock-patooie"  all day long.  The thing is, I couldn't tell if he miming or coughing up a lung!

Mike Perry, Eden

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If someone with a parrot and an eye patch carjacks me, can I call him “a pirate of the car I be in?”

Mike Perry, Eden

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Don’t leave your crackers in the break room- Reilly

Prolly got a raise of 30 crackers- Corinne

He’s a transfer from South America- Paul

Reilly McGuire, Greensboro

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Looks like somebody just got her StitchFix Box!!

Tatum McGuire, Greensboro

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Whatever you do, don’t tell him anything you don’t want repeated.

Colleen McGuire, Greensboro 

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Can you tell we discussed this at the dinner table?  Every McGuire has an entry this week.

The new guy doesn’t know about Casual Friday! 

Paul McGuire, Greensboro

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1. She just got back from the beauty salon whose motto is “we can brighten your life”.

2. Don’t look now but I think our coworker has a surprise for us.

3. You’ll never guess what the new dress code looks like.

4. That’s not a makeover. That’s a do-over.

5. Sometimes I feel like a “plain Jane”.

6. I guess we didn’t get the office memo.

7. The company’s new CEO has a lot of colorful ideas.

8. I thought she went there to get her nose straightened out.

Dave Sheets, Greensboro

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He can't be trusted, I told him something in confidence and he said he wouldn't repeat.  Well, you can guess how that went!

Mike Perry, Eden

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You ought to see him at parties.  He does great impressions!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Well he is rather strange.  Just last week,  he text messaged me "Hello!" close to a hundred times!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Watch what you say.  Somehow, secrets have a way of going public real fast around here!

Mike Perry, Eden

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This office is going to the birds!

“I thought this was casual Friday!”

“Watch where you step.”

Joey Pellino

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Him?  He just got the lead in "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" in Secaucus!

Mike Perry, Eden

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"They say he can do the work two can."

Larry Parrish, Eden

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I'll say one thing good about him.  If he hears something, he doesn't tweet about it.

Mike Perry, Eden

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Two seagulls, Gertrude and Heathcliff are standing around. Gertrude says, "have you seen the new 1999 cars?" Heathcliff says, "yeah, I just spotted one!"   RIP RS.

Mike Perry, Eden

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Dr. Sheldon Cooper: Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip? To get to the same side.

Mike Perry, Eden

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“Careful, someone is spreading gossip!”

Tim Tribbett

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“This conversation is being recorded for training purposes.”

Tim Tribbett

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“Give her a cracker and she’ll go away.”

Tim Tribbett

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That's the boss.  A little advice- keep your mouth shut, and always carry a bunch of crackers!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Actually, he name is Frank!

Mike Perry, Edem

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Telling to get stuffed usually shuts him up!

Mike Perry, Eden

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No, he doesn't talk.  But he does tweet, texts, emails, twitters and Facebooks. 

Mike Perry, Eden

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”Please tell the new employee,  the dress code is business casual!”

”They say opposites attract. Have fun on your 1st date!“

“Is it true you told the new employees, she looks like your first wife?”

“Grow some feathers and be a man, she’s not going to hurt you!”

Rick O’Reilly, Greensboro

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”He keeps repeating everything I say!!!

”All day long....How are you doing, How are you doing, How are you doing.....

Rick O’Reilly, Greensboro

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"Confidential?? You know he's going to repeat everything you said."

"They told us we could dress down on Fridays."

Zanzella Foster Savoy

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This will be a secret.  Just between us!

Mike Perry, Eden

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It had to be you.  I didn't tell anyone else!

Mike Perry, Eden

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”Our new employee is driving me crazy! All day long...What’s up Doc?, Pretty Boy, What’s Up Doc?,Pretty Boy!”

Rick O’Reilly, Greensboro

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I see the new guy is really into Casual Friday.

Your real name is really Robin?

David Core, Greensboro

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"He identifies as Parrot."

Wannetta Mallette, Burlington

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"We had to hire him...He's the boss's son-in-law."

Jonathan Sparrow, Greensboro

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#1:    "What does 'scatological humor' mean?"

#2:    "Birds of a feather flock together!"

#3:    "Check out the new girl from Honduras!"

#4:    "I hear she takes dictation pretty well!"

#5:    "During the pandemic, we're the ones left in charge!"

#6:    "I like your campaign idea, TV antennas are for the birds!"

#7:    "Give Polly a cracker already!"

#8:    "Look who escaped from the aviary in Asheboro!"

#9:    "That's the parrot from McHale's Navy who told everyone, 'Binghamton's a jerk!  Binghamton's a jerk!'"

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

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That's out new boss,Polly.

She adds a little color to the office.

She wants a cracker.

I can't speak her language.

She called temp for a pirate.

Henry Hoover Burlington

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I thought it was "Bring your parrot to work day!"

Mike Perry, Eden

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I think he used to belong to an urban pirate colony.  He keeps repeating "Awwk!  Pizzas for eight!"

Mike Perry, Eden

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“Somebody stole my cracker from the break room.”

Tim Tribbett

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“Yeah, she’s a gossip but we're stool pigeons.”

Tim Tribbett

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“Somebody stole my cracker from the break room.”

Tim Tribbett

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"Clearly, you've fallen into the wings of another bird."

"No Francine, I'm not denying that she has pretty feathers."

"Just admit it! She beaked you to the punch."

" Who is she George? She claims to be the wind beneath your wings."

Carlos D'Agostino, Greensboro

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"I think Joe has taken this Jimmy Buffett thing a little too far"

Tennie Skladanowski, Greensboro

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Please consider the following entry for Friday, July 24.

"I didn't know the 3-D printer had color"

Jack MacDowall, Greensboro

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"If she says you are pigeon toed, don't respond with Does Polly want a cracker!"

"He thinks he can talk his way out of wearing a mask."

"She dresses too flamboyant for a Receptionist job,"

"Tell her she has the job but not to repeat it to anyone."

Janice Y. Smith, Greensboro

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Her name really is Polly, and she hates crackers!!

Janice Smith, Greensboro

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The governor closing Parrot Land in Florida has really increased our applicants for the Copygirl position.

Gerald Smith, Greensboro

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I heard he was a color commentator for ESPN.

He was born in Cincinnati and raised by a guy named Herb Tarlek.

He was a used car salesman.

Now that’s a great tattoo!

I didn’t know she was into body art.

He’s known for his colorful language.

Charlie’s real excited about casual Friday.

I think she went overboard on the new color job.

She would have looked  better with just a few highlights.

He worked from home way too long.

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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He remembered everyone's name. phone numbers, and office rules.  I can't explain it!  Can you?

If he asks me one more time if he can have one, I'm going to ram it down his throat!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Is it me, or does she always refer to herself in the third-person?

Mike Perry, Eden

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I'll say this for him.  He does great impressions!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Actually, she's a triplet.  Her brother and sister are named Wally and Doodle!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Somebody forgot to tell him today was casual Friday!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Don’t tell her anything. She just repeats it.  

If she wants a cracker why can’t she get her own?

Does anybody know who Polly is?

Patsy Sadler, Chino Valley, AZ

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Polly says the snack machine is out of crackers. Again.

Sometimes birds of a feather shouldn’t flock together.

He does remind me of John Cleese’s Norwegian Blue too.

Of course she spends a lot of time on Twitter. We all do.

Watch what you say around him, or you’ll be in diversity training for a month.

I’ll talk to him about using  earbuds when he plays his Jimmy Buffet albums.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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See what Grey Poupon can do ?

I see you changed the color printer cartridge

But he’s not one of us

Did you forget that birds of a feather flock together ?

Would you tell the new hire to tone it down ?

What made you go into the Crayola box ?

Yes, I asked you to brighten up my day, but...

The new bird is not fitting in

Toucan play this game

Polly wants a cracker

He repeats everything you say

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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“He really likes casual Friday.”

“Hey, did you fly over the boss’ car?”

“You think he’s color blind?”

“Is one of us over-dressed?”

“He eats froot loops for breakfast.”

“Don’t say anything bad about the boss around him.”

“When did the dress code change?”

“I got fired for flipping myself.”

“The luau isn’t until tonight.”

“You think he wants a cracker?”

“Who gave him skittles?”

“You really think he’ll fit in?”

“This place has really gone to the...”

Phil Valla, Greensboro

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"He is our paperless secretary.  No contact meeting minutes"

"All he eats for lunch is crackers"

"I hear he reports back to management"

Kristi Wallace, Greensboro

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Polly keeps saying she knows the real killers in Tiger King

Now Polly wants to add a squawk box for work place suggestions....

Polly says all colored lives matter

I think the parrot is ready to fly the "cube"

Robbin Smith

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"Don't tell her anything.  She just repeats it."

"Does anyone know who Polly is?"

"If she wants a cracker Why can't she just get her Own?!?"

Patsy Sadler, Chino Valley, AZ

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"Is this casual Friday?"

"I feel So underdressed."

"THOSE FEET!!!  THOSE EYES!  I think Polly is Animatronic ... Hey, wait a minute ... your feet!! YOUR EYEs!!!!"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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THIS WEEK’S JOY “WALKS INTO A BAR” (and other) JOKES

A girl buys a Parrot at a pet store  Unfortunately for her, the parrot is rude and foul mouthed. She tries everything to get the parrot to be more polite, but to no avail. One day, the girl has had enough and slams the parrot in the freezer, locking the door. Later, she hears frantic knocking and, feeling bad, decides to open the door and let it out. To her amazement, the parrot comes out quietly and behaves politely for the rest of the day. She is stunned and asks the parrot what happened. The parrot, with fear in its eyes, just asks "What did the chicken do?"

Mike Perry, Eden

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Two seagulls, Gertrude and Heathcliff are standing around. Gertrude says, "have you seen the new 1999 cars?" Heathcliff says, "yeah, I just spotted one!"   RIP RS.

Mike Perry, Eden

Indeed!

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Dr. Sheldon Cooper: Why did the chicken cross the mobius strip? To get to the same side.

Mike Perry, Eden

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BEST POEMS

When told the new hire was a colorful dude,

Charisma is what they expected he'd exude.

       But they were shocked to find out

       The comment was strictly about

His pigmented plumage... not his attitude!

Walt Hayes, High Point

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Crackerhead

Having hired this parrot with his plumage brilliant,

his co-workers discover they need to be resilient.

All day long, his cry echoes off the ceiling rafters,

a loud, ear-splitting shriek: Polly wants a cracker!

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Subtle hints that this torture is driving them crazy

just result in his impersonation of Patrick Swayze.

While entertaining, what they all long for the most

is for this train-whistle parrot to give up the ghost.

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The suggestion box has been filled with opinions:

make him an executive with his private dominion.

Build him an office with appointments so refined,

he won't realize or care that he's being confined.

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In the meantime they just have to bite the bullet,

lacking a hair-trigger gun and the ability to pull it.

The parrot's flaunting of common-courtesy rules

is making the staff way more than a little cuckoo.

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Birds are known to be a species of big snackers,

but a select few of them go ga-ga over crackers.

Unless the parrot decides he'll up and take wing,

the rest of the workers will have to bring saltines. 

Bill Wallace

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The bird office went stork raven mad,

While the wise-quacking duck became sad.

       Some profits they never could tern;

       How to tweet they kept trying to learn.

And the hen’s practical yolks were really bad.

Jim Ertner, Greensboro

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English has quite a way with its words.

Say some clerks, office workers and nerds:

     There are some who relate

     That their job's really great,

Others say that their job's for the birds.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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Roses arered, violets are blue

birds of a feather flock together

But some jobs need the help of all concerned

If they would only learn that all work together

You’ll get the job done

If you just work together as one

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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BEST INSIDE JOKE

"What does 'scatological humor' mean?"

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

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See what Grey Poupon can do ?

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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The picture of George Washington crossing the Delaware? Don’t ask.

Remember, this is the “Joke’s on You”. Try to say something funny.

George Washington crossed the Delaware, he’s a hero. WE cross the street and get fists shook at us.

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE

Sure, the Eagles were great, but I never got into A Flock of Seagulls.

David Core, Greensboro

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"Call Dolly, and tell her I found her 'coat of many colors.'"

Walt Hayes, High Point

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Him?  He just got the lead in "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" in Secaucus!

Mike Perry, Eden

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"That's the parrot from McHale's Navy who told everyone, 'Binghamton's a jerk!  Binghamton's a jerk!'"

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

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He was born in Cincinnati and raised by a guy named Herb Tarlek.

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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Actually, she's a triplet.  Her brother and sister are named Wally and Doodle!

Mike Perry, Eden

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He does remind me of John Cleese’s Norwegian Blue too.

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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BEST/WORST PUNS

"They say he can do the work two can."

Larry Parrish, Eden

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If someone with a parrot and an eye patch carjacks me, can I call him “a pirate of the car I be in?”

Mike Perry, Eden

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He looks like he is involved in some fowl play!

Bet he does well on the Pollygraph!

Tony Bean, Danbury

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Fowl language is not permitted in the workplace.

David Core, Greensboro

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"Just admit it! She beaked you to the punch."

Carlos D'Agostino, Greensboro

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Toucan play this game

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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BEST EARWORMS

#10:    "Wasted away again in Margaritaville,

            Searching for my lost shaker of salt,

            Some people claim that there's a woman to blame,

            But I know, it's nobody's fault!"

...with apologies to Jimmy Buffett.

#11:    "Heading up to San Francisco

            For the Labor Day Weekend show,

            I've got my hush puppies on,

            I guess I never was meant for

            Glitter rock and roll;

            And honey I didn't know

            That I'd be missing you so,

            Come Monday, it'll be alright,

            Come Monday, I'll be holding you tight.

            I spent four lonely days in a brown L. A. haze,

            And I just want you back by my side!"

...with apologies to Jimmy Buffett.

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

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