jou_Cyclops-vision_bug-shrink_073120

Send your entries to jokesonyou@greensboro.com by noon Wednesday, August 12

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Welcome to the News & Record’s “Jokes on You” page. Here is this week’s cartoon for your caption consideration, and last week’s cartoon and entries for you amusement (see below). Feel free to post comments and ask questions.

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And as always, please, no wagering.

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Joke's will be closed next week - You have til August 12 to enter a caption.

Please remember to put your name on your entry! (If you’re a junior --- age 13 and under --- also remember to include your school or age.)

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While I continue to work from home, I won’t be in the office to accept mail-in entries. I’m afraid it’s electronic submissions only for now until further notice. I apologize for the inconvenience.

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The Joke’s On You would like to wish Don Rankin a (slightly belated) happy 90th birthday! Don says he’ll give us an update in another 10 years. We’ll be waiting, Don!

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Last week’s cartoon was The bug shrink. Next week’s cartoon - the one you’ll be writing captions for is – The cyclops optometrist visit.

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WINNER

“I had to share a room with 120 siblings.”

Bill Wallace

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RUNNERS-UP

“I feel like there’s a windshield with my name on it.”

Tim Tribbett

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“10,000 kids, and the wife wants more.”

David Core, Greensboro

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“But I don’t feel religious!”

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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“Every time I see the light at the end of the tunnel, it’s a bug zapper.”

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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“I do have feelers out for a new job.”

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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“You have a swarm in that waiting room!”

Rusty Morgan, Greensboro

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“Every time I try to talk to her she bites my head off!”

Tony Bean, Danbury

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HONORABLE MENTIONS (Also getting votes from our judges)

“My tendency to swarm makes social-distancing impossible.”

Bill Wallace

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“I spend too much time on the web.”

Tim Tribbett

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“It got so I hate to go home, there’s bugs all over the house.”

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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TIM’S PICK(S) My picks don’t necessarily mean what should have won, or gotten a runner-up, it’s just

"My problem is I no longer light up a room when I enter”.

Janice Y Smith, Greensboro

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BEAT THE CARTOONIST

My caption to the cartoon

So, I went into the kitchen and there’s bugs EVERYWHERE! I’m swatting right and left … then I remember those are my kids.

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JR. WINNER

“I don’t know why, but I feel like the virus is terrible but good.”

Adam Reese, 10, Lexington

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THE REST

1. Every time I try to talk to her she bites my head off!

2. Is it bad I’m an atheist?

3. Every time I’m about to get lucky I lose my head!!

4. O.K. doc I’ll pray about it!

5. Amen doc Amen!

Tony Bean, Danbury

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For some reason, I can't find a man.

Wendell McLemore, Greensboro

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"I had a traumatic childhood - we lived under a Terminix office."

"My dad believed in discipline. His motto was 'Spare the swatter, spoil the pupa'."

"Sometimes I want to bite my husband's head off!"

"Because of my antisocial tendencies, it's difficult living in a colony."

"I had to share a room with 120 siblings."

"Is it true you use a zapper for shock treatment?"

"I'm hoping you can help me avoid flying off the handle."

"I appreciate your receptionist buzzing me in so quickly."

"Life is short - in my case, about one week."

"You must be the proverbial fly-on-the-wall."

"I chose you due to your ability to see all sides of the problem."

"My wife constantly bugs me."

"I can deal with red flags - it's the Black ones that bother me."

"My tendency to swarm makes social-distancing impossible."

"I married a June-bug last month and she's gone already."

"I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop."

Bill Wallace

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My husband said he had a secret to tell me.  So I said "I'll bite!"

Mike Perry, Eden

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I don't know what to do at work.  It seems everything I do just creeps people out!

Mike Perry, Eden

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My girlfriend is beginning to scare me. Everything she says just creeps me out!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I found out the hard way that "bedbug" doesn't always mean what I thought it did!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I can't sleep, Doc.  The darned cicadas just won't shut up!

I  just don't have any patience anymore.  I'm always buying people's heads off!

Mike Perry, Eden

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When I go out with the guys, I hate to go home to the wife.   I always feel like she's going to bite  my head off!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I'm afraid for my future ever since I lost religion!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I found this great book. It's called "Pray, Love. Eat."

Mike Perry, Eden

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I've lost my religion, Doc!  Does that mean I'm just a "mantis" now?

Mike Perry, Eden

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You want to know why we always bite our mates heads off?  It’s easier to collect life insurance than child support.

Mike Perry, Eden

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And after I bit my boyfriend's head off, I realized I had turned into my mother!

Mike Perry, Eden

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"Take out the trash!  Put out that cigarette!  Turn the TV down!"  Every time I turn around, she bites my head off!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I find being an atheist has lengthened my lifespan far longer than my friend's!

Mike Perry, Eden

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When I find my husband disagrees with me, I just take a Tums!

Mike Perry, Eden

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As you can see, I've never gotten "Lucky!"

Mike Perry, Eden

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She says I bug her. I bug everyone. Am a bug!

G Hudgins, Greensboro

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I never got into religion.  Does that make me the "anti-praying mantis?"

Mike Perry, Eden

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What do I consider the key to a long life?  Celibacy!

Mike Perry, Eden

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"All right, tell me what's bugging you."

"I don't know why I gamble so much. I guess I'm just attracted to the bright lights of Vegas."

Jay Steagall, Greensboro

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Sorry I'm late. I just flew in from the back yard.

Jay Steagall, Greensboro

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“I dreamed I was on a planet where bugs are squashed on sight.”

Craige Reavis, Eden

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‘Doc, it's not easy being green!’

Sandra

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You would feel bad if you went through life named Yorick!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I'm so glad my wife is a vegetarian.

Mike Perry, Eden

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I really have it bad.  During the night, it's my girlfriend and during the day it's weedwhackers!

Mike Perry, Eden

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1. I suffer from the fear of bug spray.

2. It was the biggest fly shatter I have ever seen.

3. I have a reaccuring dream about sticky paper.

4. Those pesky birds keep bullying me.

5. He left me for a blue-eyed mosquito.

6. I am sick and tired of being  accused of spreading the virus.

Dave Sheets, Greensboro

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A male mantis is lucky.  A female will devour the male right after mating.  A human female will stretch it out over a lifetime!

Mike Perry, Eden

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You should see this female next to me at work.  She's so mean, the men call her Zorak!

Mike Perry, Eden

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Actually, I'm an atheist!

Mike Perry, Eden

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"I know she loves me, but every time we meet she tries to bite my head off."

Chris Burton, Greensboro

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"I'm not even considered to be part of the pestilence, just a pest."

Larry Parrish,  Piety Hill

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"What's the tipoff for talking with me today about ENVY?"

JACK HARRINGTON,  Greensboro

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Let me tell you what's bugging me...

Robbin Smith, Greensboro

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I feel cheated that I never met my daddy.

Mike Perry, Eden

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I go by what my daddy told me-  keep calm and don't lose your head.

Mike Perry, Eden

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I'm at a nexus, Doc.  I don't know if I'm a praying mantis, or a preying mantis!

Mike Perry, Eden

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"My problem is I no longer light up a room when I enter,"

"The headaches started when I first got shot with a convid19 temperature gun."

"All my friends have quit following me since by light went out."

"Nothing and no one seems to bug me anymore."

"Since convid19 visited no one seems to notice me anymore."

"I have an overwhelming fear of all spray cans."

"Nobody catches my type bug anymore,"

"They tested me for convid19 but said it was just a bug going around."

"When Charlie Daniels checked out of Georgia, my little light went with him."

Janice Y Smith, Greensboro

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"Everyone says I'm as crazy as a bedbug."

"My dad thought DDT was a party-drug."

"I'm having Black Flag-induced hallucinations."

"If they don't want us at their picnics, why do they put food on the ground?"

"I made the mistake of taking my wife to a Roach Motel on our honeymoon."

"I can't believe I'm getting advice from someone that eats garbage."

"My nest-egg turned into a bunch of maggots."

"So you think being down in the dumps is a good thing?"

"Is that fly-paper you're writing on?"

"My parents wrapped me in a cocoon and left me hanging in a tree."

"When I tell a joke, all I get is crickets."

"Can you teach me how to talk trash?"

"Someone put a bug in my ear and now I have voices in my head."

Bill Wallace

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DO YOU MEAN THAT I WILL HAVE TO WEAR A MASK ON MY FACE ALL THE TIME?

I WILL NOT BE ABLE TO PECK

DON RANKIN, GREENSBORO

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My fly buddy  and I decided to buy our dad a birthday present.  I looked, but couldn't

find one.  I found out later, he bought it on the web.

Mike Perry, Eden

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No, that's alright, I don't need psychoanalysis.  I only came in because the light was on!

Mike Perry, Eden

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" I dream I'm in a swarm and part of a plague, then nothing."

Jonathan Sparrow, Greensboro

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I keep dreaming that I am Tim Rickard.

Henry, Greensboro

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It got so I hate to go home, ther's bugs all over the house

I was born in a pile of cow manure and its gone down hill ever since.

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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I am so tired of bugging people that I need a career change

John Bayersdorfer, Greensboro

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I'd like to bit his head off, but I'd lose all my child support!

Mike Perry, Eden

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I'm upset with my husband.  All he ever wants to do is cuddle.

Mike Perry, Eden

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I tell you, I am so hungry! My boyfriend only keeps pushing back the wedding date.

Mike Perry, Eden

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to tell the truth, I think I'd rather adopt!

Mike Perry, Eden

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“Anything I say she tries to bite my head off!”

Tim Tribbett

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“My life is crappy..which I love!”

Tim Tribbett

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“My wife is bugging me!”

Tim Tribbett

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”There is a fly on the wall! That looks like my husband!”

”I think my husband wants to leave me. Whenever I get close to him, he tells me to buzz off!”

Rick O’Reilly, Greensboro

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"Everybody keeps telling me to hop to it, whatever it is."

"I had a nightmare about a grasshopper pie."

"Mama threatened to bake me into a pie !"

"At least you can walk and fly, too."

"My life is filled with ups and downs."

"I just can't stay up for long."

"I leapt to the other side, but the grass wasn't greener."

"The grass wasn't greener on the other side."

"Hop ? No, I crawled out of bed...."

If I were a superbug I could leap tall buildings."

"I'm just a grass walker now."

"I've always wanted a pogo stick."

"Somebody just had to name shoes after us."

"I kept asking Santa for a trampoline, but I never got one."

Debra Watson , Eden

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#1:    "Where's the white haired guy?"

#2:    "I was humiliated when I tried to lead a Jump Around cheer at a basketball game and nobody else joined me!"

#3:   "Is this ethical?  Spilling my guts to my own Aunt?"

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

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I guess you can see that I didn't get lucky last night!

Mike Perry, Eden

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"I've avoided restaurants since finding a human in my food."

"Lately, I've been attracted to well-lit areas."

"I'm terrified of being used in a school-science project."

Bill Wallace

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I’m so depressed I passed up a whole truck of garbage.

When I was a larva I dreamed of becoming a butterfly.

I know I should let the insults about being a bug bounce off my exoskeleton.

Every time I see the light at the end of the tunnel, it’s a bug zapper.

Roy Forrest, Whitsett

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I was in a lawnmower accident so why do people laugh when I walk on two legs?

That flyswatter came this close!   I'm a lucky bug!!

Some guy wanted to use me as bait!!!    Do I look like bait??

Patsy Sadler, Chino Valley,AZ

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doc, my wife says she will kill me if we don’t start a family. What should I do?

Doc, I don’t trust my wife.

doc, my wife want to have kids. Should I trust her?

doc, when I married her, I didn’t know her first 10 husbands had disappeared mysteriously. Now she wants to start a family.

doc, I just found out that my new wife has already had 18 husbands and 2,000 kids. Why would she hide that?

Mitch Poole, Mt. juliet, TN

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We don’t see eye to eye to eye to eye on this

All I think about is Grey Poupon

I feel so segmented

The SWAT team is after me

They are all after me

I feel like a piece of meat

I haven’t earned my wings yet

I just feel like a tasty morsel

I do have feelers out for a new job

It’s a jungle out there

All I am is somebody’s next meal

I refuse to wear a mask

Where’s the window ?

All I do is cut leaves

My family tree is all eaten up

I came over on the Mayflower

I’m tired of playing hide and seek

Do you think I’m too fat ?

All my relatives have been eaten up in this heat

I did not have sex with that woman

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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"I just don't always FEEL like praying!!"

"But I don't Feel religious!"

"I'm just not fond of stereotypes."

"I'm just tired of all of the expectations!"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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"It's not easy being green."

"People were playing badminton, everyone was happy, then out of Nowhere, "ZAP!!" & Fred was gone."

"Doc, my PTZD is Really Bad... 2 more friends... ZAP! & Gone!!... right in Front of me!!"

CC  Cockerham, Greensboro

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"Inside there's a beautiful butterfly, no one swats at"

Kristi Wallace, Greensboro

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I have a thirty day life cycle, and my new girlfriend wants to take things slow.

10,000 kids, and the wife wants more.

When will I find a mate who'll devour me?

I sometimes regret going into the pest control business.

I see dead bugs.

First my wife leaves, and now I'm living  in a roach motel.

David Core, Greensboro

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"It all started when a fly ball hit me on the head in Little League."

"I didn't think much about shoes until I got stepped on by one."

"I thought I heard voices in my head and then realized I had 200 kids."

"Homicide, suicide, and fratricide don't concern me. Pesticides are another matter."

Bill Wallace

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“My husband really bugs me.”

“I’m having the 7 day itch.”

“I feel like such a pest.”

Phil Valla, Greensboro

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“I don’t have time in my life for all of this!

“Just 5 more minutes and a $5000 deductible and you’ll be out of here!”

“A long life expectancy doesn’t run in my family.”

“You have a swarm in that waiting room!”

“It’s amazing how hard I can get someone to slap themselves!”

Rusty Morgan, Greensboro

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These are end times, doc!  Did you know mosquitoes are now on the endangered list?

Mike Perry, Eden

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“I feel like there’s a windshield with my name on it.”

Tim Tribbett

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“My roommate is a dung bug AND a hoarder!”

Tim Tribbett

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“I’ll pay your bill by snail mail.”

Tim Tribbett

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“I spend too much time on the web.”

Tim Tribbett

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 “I spend too much time on the web.”

Tim Tribbett

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Of course, I'll tell you what's bugging me.

They always tease me because I only have four legs.

I do love her, but I know what they do when they mate...

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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SCHOOL/JR. ENTRIES (elementary / middle school)

So I’ve been thinking about the song ‘ Baby shark in my head’

I don’t know why , but I feel like the virus is terrible but good

Adam Reese, 10, Lexington

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THIS WEEK’S JOY “WALKS INTO A BAR” (and other) JOKES

A praying mantis walks into a bar.  The barkeep says "We don't like your kind in here!" The mantis replies "Don't worry, I'm an atheist!"

Mike Perry, Eden

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A gigantic praying mantis walks into a bar.  The owner shouts "Hey!  We don't serve gigantic insects in here.  The mantis says "good.  I just wanted a burger!"

Mike Perry, Eden

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A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner,"  the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

Mike Perry, Eden

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A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder!

Mike Perry, Eden

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A mantis walks into a bar and orders a beer.  He does this 2 or 3 more times and starts to head out the door. The Barkeep says "How 'bout one more?"  The mantis says "Might as well. My wife's going to chew my head off when I get home anyway!"

Mike Perry, Eden

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BEST POEMS

Freudian Fly

This bug wanted to give psychoanalysis a try;

his finances dictated that it be done on the fly.

Heard the buzz after making some local calls;

a new shrink had opened his office on a wall.

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A little hesitant about making an appointment,

he feared there could be a fly in the ointment.

Although tempted to dip his toes in the water,

he thought it prudent to be packing a swatter.

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Paranoia was a problem he fought to control;

it scattered his thoughts and tortured his soul.

The mania took root on a beautiful sunny day,

after he was hit with a quick Black Flag spray.

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Now he lies prone on the psychiatrist's couch;

the fly's credentials prove that he's no slouch.

He graduated cum laude at the head of class;

his wings give him the edge of being very fast.

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He listens intently to the patient's past history

and swears he'll strive to alleviate his misery.

At the end of the session, the bug is relieved;

sports a new attitude with his sanity retrieved.

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Thanking the psychiatrist, he gives him a hug;

leaves the office, grateful he's now a new bug.

Oozing confidence and hope, not at all afraid,

he ran into the homeowner with a can of Raid.

Bill Wallace

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Jittered Bug

I think I may be crazy, said the beetle to the fly;

this winged psychiatrist asked the patient why.

To the untrained eye, he appeared to be sane;

after an evaluation, his lunacy was very plain.

 

The insect had been hit by a poisonous spray;

it ruined what had otherwise been a good day.

The toxin flowed slowly to his diminutive brain,

as a result, his behavior went comically inane.

 

Babbling about Black Flags and deadly Raids,

he made it clear that he was cowed and afraid.

Declining to occupy any of his normal  haunts,

he holed up in dark corners, the butt of taunts.

 

The fly understood his plight and offered pity;

suggested the bug depart the dangerous city.

Out in the country, he could have a quiet life,

not go bananas like some insect Barney Fife.

 

The bug ended up residing on a bucolic farm,

positive he was safe from any potential harm.

Spent his nights under a shining silvery moon,

fell in love and wed a green bug named June.

 

They lived in cozy comfort near a small pond;

communing with nature, they formed a bond.

Unfortunately, his hue and appearance traits

left him a superior candidate for fishing bait.

Bill Wallace

Asked the analyst, "Gnat, please tell me

Why from home, you've decided to flea?"

      "There are days I just can't

      Take abuse by my ant.

Why can't she ever just let me bee?

Ken Sheldon, Elon

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Bugged and smiling the bug went his way

to see the shrink and said I'm not crazy,

but I need to talk. It seems like everything

that I do turns out wrong.

Help me doc or I wan't make it and it won't be long.

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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A bug in a rug is not too bad

But see one talking to a shrink makes you stop and think

that could be me

And that would be bad.

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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Doc, you may need to drug me;

I feel sad with no one to hug me.

      This staying six feet apart

      Away from my sweetheart

Is really beginning to bug me!

Walt Hayes, High Point

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BEST INSIDE JOKE

Even on the "Joke's on You", two bugs can make the headlines.

Joey Pellino, Reidsville

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I keep dreaming that I am Tim Rickard.

Henry, Greensboro

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"Where's the white haired guy?"

Paul J. Klosterman, High Point

He’s been over worked with the dogs, cats, basketball, snake, mime, etc. So he called in his assistant.

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All I think about is Grey Poupon

Lee F Richmond, Jamestown

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BEST CULTURAL REFERENCE

You should see this female next to me at work.  She's so mean, the men call her Zorak!

Mike Perry, Eden

Extra credit for the “Space Ghost C2C” shout-out!

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BEST/WORST PUNS

None? That's unusual.

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