Skip to main content
You have permission to edit this article.
Edit
Nightlines
0 Comments

Nightlines

  • 0
{{featured_button_text}}

That’s right, Biden is hoping to repair ties with our European allies. I think he’ll be well received. I mean, for starters, there won’t be a giant baby balloon following him wherever he goes.

— Jimmy Fallon

It’s going to be a little awkward trying to mend fences. Every speech he gives is going to begin with "Uh, hey, look, about the last guy — sorry about that.”

— James Corden

Yep, Biden’s going to England, Belgium and Switzerland, and he won’t come home until he finds a new host for "The Bachelor.”

— Jimmy Fallon

Atlantic Charter sounds like a fish I’d pretend I’d heard of. Do you know what I mean? At a fancy restaurant: "What’s the catch of the day? Oh, I love Atlantic Charter.”

— James Corden

And both sides got some concessions, right? The U.K. agreed to limit the number of royal refugees that they’ll send to the U.S., and in exchange, the U.S. agreed to start putting the letter "u" back into words again. Plus, the U.K. will produce more Harry Styleses, and the U.S. will start calling soccer "football" and football "brain ouchy time." Everybody wins.

— Trevor Noah

A cicada got Joe Biden? I’m no scientist but I’m pretty sure that means Joe Biden is now going to turn into a cicada.

— Trevor Noah

Tomorrow, that cicada will be on Fox News in a neck brace calling for Biden to be impeached: "See what he did to me! It’s on tape.”

— Jimmy Fallon

The cicada returned to his buddies like, "Damn, the old man’s quicker than I expected.”

— Jimmy Fallon

Meanwhile, Mike Pence was like, "Bugs on your head — you’re supposed to save that for the big debate.”

— Jimmy Fallon

And let me be the first to say on behalf of the international community: Thank you to all the anti-vaxxers in America. The people of the world would not have these vaccines if it wasn’t for your commitment to believing whatever the dumbest guy from your middle school posted on Facebook. You guys are the real heroes.

— Trevor Noah

This is based on an old American foreign-policy strategy that used to be called "being nice.”

— Jimmy Kimmel

A senior official said that the donations will be focused in the places that currently need vaccines most — developing areas like Haiti, Indonesia, Alabama, et cetera.

— Jimmy Kimmel

You know, I think when someone in another country gets one of our doses, they should be told whose vaccine they got. Like, "Oh, this Johnson & Johnson was supposed to go to a retired elementary schoolteacher in Florida, but she read on Facebook it was made from demon sperm, so now it’s yours.”

— Jimmy Kimmel

0 Comments

Catch the latest in Opinion

* I understand and agree that registration on or use of this site constitutes agreement to its user agreement and privacy policy.

Related to this story

Most Popular

Get up-to-the-minute news sent straight to your device.

Topics

Breaking News