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But statistically speaking, six is not that significant, since nearly seven million people in the U.S. have received Johnson & Johnson shots so far. That’s less than one in a million. To put that in perspective, it’s slightly better odds than you have of getting to visit Willy Wonka’s Fantabulous Chocolate Factory, which, for the record, kills or maims four out of the five children who step foot inside.

— Stephen Colbert

If you had a Johnson & Johnson appointment in New York, they gave out Pfizer instead. Yeah, it’s like going to a restaurant and hearing, "We’re out of Coke; is Dom Pérignon OK?”

— Jimmy Fallon

When reached for comment, Johnson said it was Johnson’s fault, but Johnson pointed the finger at Johnson.

— Stephen Colbert

Johnson & Johnson is owned by the same family who owns the New York Jets, so don’t think of this as a pause; think of it more like a 50-year rebuild.

— Jimmy Fallon

The war in Afghanistan may finally be over, and people, it’s about time. It’s been what, 19 years? No war should ever be old enough to serve in itself.

— Trevor Noah

During his remarks, Biden announced that withdrawal would begin on May 1. When the troops get home, they’re gonna be like, "Why are all the bars closed?”

— Jimmy Fallon

The war in Afghanistan has been going on for almost 20 years. To put that another way, this war is too old to date Matt Gaetz.

— Stephen Colbert

It’s been going on so long, the first "Iron Man" movie opens with Tony Stark in Afghanistan. This conflict’s older than the Marvel Cinematic Universe. It’s an "Infinity War" with no "Endgame.”

— Stephen Colbert

We know about all of this because stupid Joel Greenberg made his Venmo transactions public, as did Matt Gaetz. They didn’t check the privacy box. What’s the opposite of a criminal mastermind?

— Jimmy Kimmel

Three payments for $500, $500, $250, labeled "ice cream"; five other payments labeled "salad." One of those "salads" cost more than $1,000 — I guess they added avocado.

— Jimmy Kimmel

Two of the transactions were for "stuff" and "other stuff." And let me just say this: It’s bad enough that Matt Gaetz is implicated in doing "stuff." But "other stuff"? That’s outrageous.

— Jimmy Kimmel

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