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Trucks spinning around? Cars flying off the road? This storm has turned Texas into that ice level from Mario Kart. If I was in Texas right now, I’m carrying around a green shell with me, just to be safe.

— Trevor Noah

They don’t have snow shovels out there. Their best bet is to grab their AR-15s and shoot each snowflake before it lands: "Go back to Canada where you belong!”

— Trevor Noah

You know the phrase "When hell freezes over?" We’re getting close. We’re getting real close.

— Jimmy Kimmel

I know people were praying for Texas to go blue, but not like this. I mean, is it too much to ask for just one apocalypse at a time?

— Trevor Noah

Some people are putting up Scotch tape and blankets. That’s not how people should keep heat in their house; that’s how you hide the weed smell from your R.A.

— Trevor Noah

This morning was the coldest in decades in Dallas, Houston, San Antonio and Little Rock. In New Orleans, they had the coldest Fat Tuesday in more than a hundred years. People on the streets were putting their tops on.

— Jimmy Kimmel

And, yeah, it’s sad. But it’s just not safe to hold a Mardi Gras parade. I mean, during a pandemic, a tuba just turns into a COVID fire hose.

— Trevor Noah

I thought we were supposed to have fun in ’21. But I guess that hasn’t started yet.

— Jimmy Kimmel

Let’s kick off the show with the coronavirus pandemic. It’s the reason you keep refreshing vaccine websites like they’re selling Coachella tickets.

— Trevor Noah

Last night, Biden promised the vaccine will be available to every American who wants it by the end of July. And then we can get back to spreading the old stuff — herpes, gonorrhea and good times!

— Jimmy Kimmel

And with over a million Americans getting vaccinated every day, everyone is anxiously looking forward to a time when they can get back to doing normal things again, like going out to eat, or not thinking about the welfare of the people who deliver their packages.

— Trevor Noah

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